Tarmon Gai'don
by Nicola Silvera
Summary: [one shot]Rand and the gang are finally headed to the last battle. What will happen when the discover the true identity of the Dark One? Humourous. Rated for slightly mature and immature themes.[cowritten by Tasha Barbour]
1. Tarmon Gaidon

**Tarmon Gai'don**

**Disclaimer:** We do not own the wheel of time or any of its characters…or any of the other characters we put in here…nor do we own an of the things that happen in this story. This is all a product of my mind (Warning: If you are scared of crazy people doing or saying crazy things then we suggest you duck for cover)

(Ps: the fact that I use 'we' does not mean I'm schizophrenic…I think)

**Rand:** Why did we break that last seal? Why oh why? I don't wanna die!

**Mat: **Why is everyone looking at me like that? I needed a coaster for my ale! How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to hit it really, really hard?

**Perrin: **But you hit it with a sledgehammer!

**Mat: **That's beside the point.

(Shayol Ghul loomed in the distance as the small party advanced through the Blight. Suddenly Rand stopped.)

**Rand:** Why don't I just make gateway? It'll go much faster.

**Mat: **Okay, but I wanna go in last.

**Everyone:** Why?

**Mat:** Cuz I have issues with going first okay!

(He opened the gateway and everyone went through as Mat watched. He stepped forward to go through when suddenly it closed in front of him.)

**Mat:** Crap! Hello? Is anyone there?

**Evil voice:** Hehehe…

**Mat:** Are you my mommy?

**Evil voice: **No, guess again.

**Mat:** Are you the Daughter of the Nine Moons?

**Evil voice:** Hehehe…

(Suddenly a bunch of Shadowspawn leaped out from the shadows.)

**Mat: **Uh oh…

(The rest of the gang just stepped out of the gateway. Egwene turned to Gawyn)

**Egwene:** You know Gawyn, it's the end of the world and we still haven't done it yet…

**Gawyn: **Okay Egwene, will you bear my children?

(Suddenly the two started kissing passionately, a do not disturb sign popping out of thin air in front of them. Inspired by her friend, Elayne turned to Rand.)

**Elayne:** I get him first (She jumped on to Rand's back)

**Min:** But I thought we agreed that I get him first!

**Aviendha:** What happened to sharing him? There's nothing wrong with a foursome.

**Elayne and Min: **Okay!

(Nynaeve suddenly went up to Lan and eyed his mount curiously)

**Nynaeve:** Lan…what happened to Mandarb?

**Lan: **Well, some chick named Ashleigh came and killed him so I got this one. He's a unicorn. His name is Princess but I call him Mike.

(Suddenly a girl jumped out of nowhere and cut off Mike's head, laughing maniacally.)

**Ashleigh: **That will teach you not to sick squirrels on me! Muhahahahahaha!

**Lan:** Crap! Now what am I going to ride?

**Strange Voice:** You can ride me. I feel…so…alone.

**Lan:** Who said that?

**Strange Voice:** I'm Twinkle the Wonder horse.

**Lan:** That's a pretty name. Can I call you Mike?

(All turned around just in time to see Moiraine pop out of a gateway)

**Everyone:** But you're dead!

**Moiraine:** No I was never dead.

**Rand: **Then why did you stay away for so long?

**Moiraine:** Well you see, there was this really nice coffee place and I just couldn't bring myself to leave.

**Perrin:** What the hell is coffee?

**Moiraine:** I don't' know but it makes me feel really good…and hyper.

(Moiraine started laughing maniacally and everyone started to inch away. Suddenly Mat came stumbling up, dressed in women's clothing that consisted of high heels, lipstick and a pink, frilly dress.)

**Mat:** No more gravy!

**Perrin:** What's with the dress?

**Mat:** Don't go there…(shudders)

**Rand:** Alright now that everyone is here it is time I face the Dark One. (He waved Callandor around pompously.)

(Suddenly large booms echoed around the large cave they all stood in and a figure in black armour and a shiny red sword stepped out of the shadows.)

**A deep, threatening and slightly echoing voice: **Luke, I am your father.

(Suddenly he sprang up a sliced off Rand's left hand.)

**Rand:** Hey I only have two of those you know.

**Perrin:** Dude, you're in the wrong story.

**Darth Vader(sorry if that isn't spelt right):** Damn, I knew I should've taken that left turn at Albakurky (spelling?)

**Bugs Bunny:** Hey, that's my line!

**Rand:** Everyone get out of my story!

**Darth Vader and Bugs Bunny: **Sorry, no need to take a spaz.

**Rand: **Okay, now let's wait for the real Dark One to get here.

(Suddenly an eerie, slightly disturbing high-pitched voice spoke)

**Voice: **Prepare to face my wrath Dragon Reborn. For I am the Dark Lord………Chuckles the Silly Piggy! Muhahahahahahaha…and I will get you Dragon Reborn and your little dog too!

**Rand:** But I don't have a dog!

**Chuckles:** Well not anymore you don't!

(A sudden, cliché fight scene erupted.)

**Aes Sedai: **We must remain calm; we must remain calm…Ahhh screw serenity! Go, Rand, go! (All the Aes Sedai are suddenly wearing cheerleader outfits) Give me an R, give me an A, give me an N…How do we spell your name again?

(Meanwhile Rand and Chuckles are locked in an epic battle of sheer power)

**Rand:** My cape's bigger than your cape!

**Chuckles:** Is not!

**Rand: **Is too!

**Chuckles:** Is not!

**Rand: **Is—

**Random Person:** Isn't the world supposed to be blowing up by now?

**Rand & Chuckles:** Oh yeeeaaahhh…

(Rand started to laugh maniacally and began to blow up mountains and trees)

**Rand: **Muhahahahahahahahahahahaha!

(World blows up and everyone dies.)

**World:** I'm gonna feel that on the morning.

**Chuckles:** MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have won! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Rand:** Oh, well. It's not the end of the world. Oh wait…

**THE END**


	2. Author's Note

**Author's Note**

**Alright, first things first. Thank you SO much to everyone who reviewed. Me and Vollupra (the person who helped me write it.) never expected to be getting reviews months after we posted the story. **

**SO anyway, me a Vollupra were thinking. Since we seem to be so well loved and people actually think we're funny, we have been thinking that we should continue our story.**

**I know, I know. How can that be you ask? Well that is for us to know and you to MAYBE find out. We won't continue until people say they want us to. And if your thinking this is just some trick to get more reviews, it's not. You can e-mail me for all I care. (my e-mail is on my profile page) Hope to hear from you soon.**

**Nicola Silvera **


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